photo by moriza
During a lunch meeting last week in New York, the woman I was chatting with described a conference she’d been to and said something to the effect of, “Once all the distractions and clutter of everyone’s lives were stripped away, even the people whose ideas and lifestyles had seemed to clash with mine suddenly seemed like beautiful people.”
This idea kept popping into my head as I was sitting on the subway or hanging out in cafés. Sitting quietly in a crowded place or walking along a bustling street often washes a certain effect over me — I sometimes become almost overwhelmed with how much human thought, history, and emotion is flooding the space. I dive briefly into someone in the room — the lanky woman reading in the corner, or the old man slicing his muffin — and inevitably, that person becomes a beautiful tangle of humanness.
It’s not easy to enter that depth of uncertain perspective. It’s easier to laugh at the woman whose shorts are a wee bit too short, rather than to think about whether or not her mom used to tell her she was pretty. It’s simpler to get angry at the guy who aggressively shoved past you in the street, rather than to wonder if he’s late for his girlfriend’s opening night.
But what happens when we do explore the humanness of others? What possibilities unfold? What connections become conceivable?
Aside from our daily interactions offline, I think this is worth thinking about in online terms as well. The internet offers a new landscape, but it does not automatically mean all barriers come down. Check out Dana Boyd’s thought-provoking paper, “The Not-So-Hidden Politics of Class Online“.
What do you think?
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
This is what drives me crazy about mediocre or shallow characterization: more often than not, they lack humanness. They lack a multi-dimensional, contradictory, less than perfect, more than perfect quality. They don’t exist beyond the plot they float along within. It’s when characters are human that they become the most interesting and worth following.
.-= Lindsay Price´s last blog ..Rachel Maddow on Arts Education =-.
Hey Zoe, I know that this post is going to stick with me for a while – I’ve been trying to articulate why. The only thing that comes to me is: “And this is where love for fellow humans begins.”
When we get rid of all of the baggage, we are probably much more similar than we can quickly realize.
.-= Dave Thurston´s last blog ..JstATht – Xylophone =-.
A very humanizing post, Zoe. This is something that most of us struggle with from time to time, especially on ‘off’ days. Also appreciate your link to the “Class Online” article. Very thought-provoking, and a good check to common assumptions.
This is, indeed, a beautiful thought and observation. I think, however, that it might be more difficult to remain in this state of perspective than to enter it. Should we even try? Is that attainable?+
Well said. Life is fractally close and amazing in variety, scope, and beauty. What a different world this would be if we all approached strangers with an expectation of beauty rather than a fear of otherness.
.-= ejly´s last blog ..Digital TV converter box? No thanks. =-.
I do this all the time when I’m driving. If someone cuts me off, I wonder if they are just a speed demon — or are they rushing to the hospital, about to become a parent? My imagination runs wild when I see people in public doing unusual things. It’s a great way to get character and story ideas if you’re a fiction writer
.-= Melissa Donovan´s last blog ..How to Be More Creative =-.
Zdub,
My apologies for coming to this post so late. But it was worth the wait. Sitting in judgement of others is easy, you’re spot on there. Seems it’s a highly valued past time in this society of ours.
But if we stop, as you say, to consider that person, their background, what might have brought them to this place, we begin to relate in a way that judgment simply doesn’t allow. And I also think it helps us begin to value ourselves in a way we hadn’t previously. It helps slay the dragon that is our (my) need to compare ourselves to others. By recognizing that we all walk a unique path, each with our own obstacles to overcome, it helps me realize that a common result would be impossible to achieve. And it also helps me recognize that success needn’t be defined in such narrow terms.
Each among us have succeeded. Are successes. It takes a willingness to dive past skin to see that, though.
@ Lindsay – I love that you characterized the quality as “less than perfect, more than perfect” — sounds about right to me
.
@ Dave – I think that simple phrase actually sums up quite a lot. Gets me thinking more too…
@ Elizabeth – That article was definitely a good reminder, especially with all this talk about the internet breaking all barriers, etc. — it’s still gonna take a lot of conscious effort.
@ Mama Lisa – I think you are right — it’s certainly more difficult to remain there. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that we can perpetually maintain that state, but I think it’s extremely worthwhile that we make that difficult effort in order to be more conscious of what we do instead of falling into that default setting.
@ ejly – Thank you for your lovely words.
@ Melissa – Sounds like it’s no effort at all for you to go into that space
— it really is an amazing trigger.
@ Jeb – Always better late than never for your words
. I think you hit it when you said that this practice brings us to a place beyond judgment — relating to others expands our selves and others, whereas judgment often pushes us all down.
“…beautiful tangle of humanness.” Excellent phrase, Zoë!
And thank you for the link to the Danah Boyd article. I’d heard about it, but hadn’t read the original. Many empathetic artists and writers naturally provide ‘pollination services’ between different cultures and sub-cultures, and maybe an answer to the homophily Danah describes is to make such cross-pollination a specific goal in our work. Well, not just our work, but in those people we choose to listen to, observe, and interact with.
I try to view the people around me with an assumption that behind every pair of eyes, there is a story I don’t yet know:
“Who is this person? What made them who they are? Why would they be responding this way? What do they want? What do they fear? What can I learn from them?”
Sometimes this requires ignoring outward signs, unexpected behavior, ideological ranting, etc. Empathy is not easy, and part of the difficulty is that trying to understand the worldview of someone who vigorously disagrees with us may undermine our own certainty. In general, I think that is good, and strengthens our convictions over time. But it feels tenuous, and makes judging feel easy by comparison.
The world is full of surprising and unrealized alliances, and empathy is the tool for discovering them. Peel away the layers of class, fads, fashions, sub-cultures, political ideology, and religion, many of us want the same things. And that leads to deeper questions: How did we get to this point, so factionalized and divided and suspicious of one another? Or is it that we’ve always been this way, and have just recently reached a moment in history where we’re able to glimpse the broader beautiful tangle that is humanity?
.-= Matt Blair´s last blog ..Textural and Temporal =-.
@ Matt – Wow, there are so many beautiful points in your comment. You’ve delicately peeled away even more layers of the ideas and questions I have.
First, “and maybe an answer to the homophily Danah describes is to make such cross-pollination a specific goal in our work. Well, not just our work, but in those people we choose to listen to, observe, and interact with” — yes, what an important perspective. I think it really does come down to being more intentional with our work and interactions.
Like you pointed out, opening ourselves to diverse worldviews risks shattering our own. That’s what makes it so simultaneously scary and wonderful. But how many people are willing to take the not-so-easy route? Because I do believe it’s true what you said, that the “world is full of surprising and unrealized alliances,” and that to me is the deepest reason why storytelling has such potential for connecting and inciting progress. I too am trying to see if this moment is a special opportunity to see our beautiful tangles…
Reading this post today put me in mind of a poem I wrote a really long time ago… It made me want to find it. I haven’t thought of it in a long time, and am somewhat surprised I remembered it. But that’s what people can do to you…
I found it and put it here: http://miriamgraceclimenhaga.posterous.com/nights
Thanks for the memory.
Miriam
@ Miriam – thanks for sharing your poem… lovely moments!
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